Christmas time is here again....
It is indeed and people all over the world will be filled with joy and happiness, revelling in the love that we all share with and for each other at this special time of the year, especially in Ukraine, Russia, Gaza and Mar-a-Lago. Santa will be very busy wrapping up his special prezzies for the special people: a set of brand new nukes for Vladimir, a wraparound set of mirrors for Donald (complete with instructions on how to use, ie “Mirrors, mirrors, on my wall, who’s the dorkish one of all?” and a beautiful laminated poster of “At least Fergie still loves me 💔” for Randy Andy.
Closer to home, we look fondly at the pōhutukawa in bloom and feel the pull of the beaches and hope desperately that the politicians will go on holiday - permanently. Sadly, most of them will return but to make this easier for you to bear, I am very happy to bring you my Awards of 2024.
Farmers of the Year Award This year I learnt a very good lesson about farmers. For years I’ve been berating farmers heartedly and frequently, usually in what is politely known as colourful language. It has been clear to me that every farmer in NZ is a dick, wrecking our environment, making vast amounts of money by exploiting animals and causing them untold suffering. “Fucking farmers,” I would mutter whenever anything came on the news about farmers. This I would do, of course, in the privacy and safety of my own house in case one of them heard me and got cross and even worse, offered me a steak sammie. However, half way through the year, in what I can only call an epiphany to rival that of good old St Paul, I realised that two of our best friends in town, two of the best people you could ever meet, are farmers and it was completely daft of me to include them in my torrent of abuse. They have indeed taught me to think far more carefully about how I express myself so now I no longer say “Fucking farmers” but “Fucking farming” instead. My mates are far too modest to want to be named in such a prestigious publication as this so instead, well done, guys!
Who we’d most like from the past to come back Award
This is easy: the Romans are runaway winners. Despite their predilection for orgies, brutality, slavery, torture, misogyny, bloodshed, dictatorships, gladiatorial combat, religious persecution, the Romans weren’t really that bad and if there’s one thing they knew how to do, it was to build a straight road. I was driving from Whangamatā to Waihi the other day and it’s a ridiculous road: windy, bendy, tight corners and it takes way too long. If the Romans had built it, it would have been straight-as, up and over the top, no worries. Of course, the greenies would complain about the trees and the insects and rivers and the pollution but look at the productivity gains if we had straight roads! I shall mention this to Mr Luxon.
The most heinous and outrageous use of language Award
This is a shocker. On my aforementioned trip to Whangamatā, I passed a school with a big notice proclaiming, “Have a great holiday! Drive safe!” Oh my gosh, I could not believe it! A school, a place of learning, a sanctuary where high standards should be set and met, using AN ADJECTIVE INSTEAD OF AN ADVERB!!!!! Unbelievable!!! I then realised why our country is in such a crisis. It’s because we keep pandering to the wokesters, the lefties, the hug-a-tree brigades, the eejits who keep rabbiting on about this right and that right and any right, but we don’t teach our young people about the important things like the difference between an adjective and an adverb. Is there any hope for us at all???
The who we really, really felt sorry for Award
Like the Romans’ award, this is very easy. A District Court judge apparently gatecrashed a NZ First Christmas party the other day and, oh my gosh, “verbally attacked” Winston Peters. This is terrible. Poor, poor Winston, who must be the most sensitive, tender-hearted, precious little baby in the universe, who’s never, ever, ever, ever said anything mean/nasty/horrible/scathing to or about anyone in his whole life. Poor Winston, I hope he can find his way through this terrible trauma and emerge a stronger, happier and gentler soul….and get out of politics now and forever!
Have a jolly Christmas and most importantly of all, DRIVE SAFELY 😁